Apathy

Apathy follows me through the days of my life. It sees the inside of me. Deep inside where I frolic and sway to music no one else hears. It smothers the sound and blurs my memories with the smoke of it’s loathing.

Apathy clouds my sight. It hides the dirty floors and dusty shelves of the life I was so eager to build. It’s grubby, sticky hand covers my eyes and I stumble to the nearest seat and fall into it wearily. I am unable to see motes of dust falling around me, covering the dregs of hope that lay scattered at my feet.

Apathy shoves brittle, scratchy cotton into my ears to muffle the sounds of loved ones pleading. I sense them there with their needy mouths open to urge me to wake up, to feel more then the faint pressure of urgency that gathers in the air around me.

I am desperate to seethe with anger at the unjust influence, the evil, rotting stink of Apathy, but I am tired. I am worn thin in the face of guilt and shame. I am rubbed raw from the press of failure against my skin.

Apathy follows…

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The bitterness and rage threaten to fill me to the point of bursting. I hate her and her and them and I hate.

Blood vessels bleed underneath my skin and it burns and i scratch and i scratch and i scratch.

Childish, vile words of insult and agony want to spew from my mouth. I curse, I yell, and i seethe.

Fuck you and your impossible expectations! Fuck you too, and you, and you!

i will no longer pander to the polite constraints that choke me. Choke, gag, and spit at the hypocrisy.

The better person? The better person drowns in the fluid of shit thats streams from your lungs!

Well, I’m swimming!

I am not gonna hide this rage of mine behind a wall of clean indifference!

i want dirty rage, unclean bile, and infected shame!

i want to exorcise my demons without the fear of hell, i want to burn as i scream as i burn, i burn.

Here is your measure of my shame, feed on your disappointment in me and live! Live and Live Life Full!

I am blood of your blood, i will cut until anemic. i cut and i will fucking cut until my shame runs dry!

I sob and i’m exhausted and i’m spent and i sleep and toss and turn and i hate and her and her.

-women-No1-Pix-black-and-white-photography-friend-fhotos-Feeling-sad-woman-ludzie-amore_largei am so tired.

my spine curves under the weight of dawn as it creeps up slowly from the night it was. my eyes burn as they try to focus on the screen in front of me, at once too bright and unreadable.

i have been here a millennia, maybe two since i left my bed of bitterness and regret. The sheets are torn from the mattress and lie rumpled on the path to my desk and i worry it’s an omen of my increasing despondency.

Although the sky lightens behind the blinds the room stays dark in rebuke as my hands hover over the keyboard, praying to the keys as if they could exorcise my demons like a priest with his Holy water and incense.

It’s all there, the feelings, the pain, the guilt and shame of my past. It sits upon my shoulders like a vulture feeding on my emotions and getting fatter by the moment, yet i sit here and continue to feed it.

i want to purge it all so badly that my fingers tremble as i write and i spend too much time correcting the errors then raging against them knowing i cannot go back in time and do the same.

Why am i wiser now when wisdom is wasted? Oh what a powerful force i would have been in the beauty of my youth! i am now full of wisdom that falls on the deaf ears of my progeny.

The brightness from a setting sun blinds me and i begin to curl into myself, relieved that my attempt at redemption through confession has failed. i ignore the sheets and fall to the bed.

i am so tired.

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I think I’m drowning, asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell that you’ve created
You’re something beautiful, a contradiction
I wanna play the game, I want the friction

You will be the death of me
Yeah, you will be the death of me
Bury it, I won’t let you bury it
I won’t let you smother it
I won’t let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can’t push it underground
You can’t stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom, bound and restricted
I tried to give you up but I’m addicted
Now that you know I’m trapped, sense of elation
You’d never dream of breaking this fixation

One of the first things i truly learned near the beginning of O/our D/s relationship was that the intensity of emotion i felt was like nothing i had ever experienced before. It over took and overwhelmed me in this beautiful wave of highs and lows, wants and needing, desire and love unlike any other time in my life.
Someone like me, a girl who wants to seem tough by not accepting help and loathing the very idea of showing weakness, at the mercy of every word and inflection, every action You take. i was suddenly captive and vulnerable. i remember a thought i had, maybe 3 months into O/our relationship, “my God, if i lose Him it will be devastating.”. i instinctively knew no other would stand over me once i had kneeled for You. That is when i allowed fear to come between U/us. An invisible presence i had no right to entertain but fear is a long time companion of mine and difficult for me to leave behind.

What’soever I’ve feared
Has come to life
And what’soever I’ve fought off
Became my life.

Just when everyday
Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I’m doing time
Now I’m doing time

‘Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days (Black days)

Whomsoever I’ve cured
I’ve sickened now
And whomsoever I’ve cradled
I’ve put you down

I’m a search light soul
They say
But I can’t see it
In the night
I’m only faking when I get it right
When I get it right

‘Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days

How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?

It’s funny how experienced i thought i was. Really. i just knew i would impress You with my polish. my perfect responses. my posture and correct terminology. How could i have thought that that was what submission was? Submission is so many things and i guarantee most people understand only half it. If they are lucky.

Pride kills many things in life, it can kill opportunity, it can kill love and trust. my pride was the first thing i fought to hang on to, i fought You so hard to keep it because i didn’t know how to be pretty without it. i wanted to show You how intelligent i was. So clever. i wanted You to praise me and tell me how lucky You were to have me as Your submissive. i wanted to be the best submissive. Eventually i found myself struggling to convince You i was submissive in the first place.

i have so much more to say, i think. i am smiling because i know i do but i want to think this through for a change. To take the time to stop feeling and stare at myself objectively. i love You, even in my release.

Your words have been my guide for so long that i cannot break the habit of seeking them. my memories of words past bring the remembrance of joy and of love. You. my One true Sir.
Now i fear to seek those words, i fear i misread them, i don’t hear them clearly any longer. So i force myself to look away. If i do not see them, then i cannot second guess the meaning.
i’m so tired, so alone in my world of make-believe life. i miss Your love. i miss our laughter together, our plans. We once spoke plainly to one another. i beg You for this now. Good or bad, an end or a new beginning. You love me still, even if in remembrance and i beg for this consideration.
i am good, i am bad and i can be so very complicated but i’m Yours still and seek my place at Your feet. i kneel for no other and cannot imagine another being strong enough to compel my submission so completely. i yearn to submit fully, either in Your shadow or never again. Yes, i could submit to never submit again and i will at least have a path.
Forgive me this plea. Know that it is from my heart and i will embrace Your wants and needs. i love You.

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle but will never break.
Chinese Proverb

BlindfoldWoman
The wave of emotion that washes over me threatens my balance and i long to grasp Your strong shoulders and anchor myself forever. My head spins with Yours as we navigate two worlds and i know my only chance of balance is in Your eyes. It is time to throw off the blindfold i so carefully fit over my vision. And i look.

my eyes fill with tears of bittersweet love and i smile, lips trembling and knees weak at the love i see reflected back. i reach for You again, this time to hold You still so i may drink my fill and damn the reasons i’ve not done this sooner. i am dying of thirst and tired of being fair to the others who need to drink. And i look.

You overwhelm my senses and the emotion threatens to drown me. my instinct is to look away but not this time. my eyes in to Yours i fall into this wave, holding on to You tightly as i drown. There is no rescue in the safety of dry ground and as i am swept away, i realize you are holding me too. And i look.

You are beautiful in Your complexity. The charm, the darkness, the strength and the need and i know with certainty that i will never look away again. i surrender and fall against You with abandon, my lips find Your mouth and they greedily memorize Your taste. You exhale and i breathe You in, You infuse my body. And i close my eyes.

i no longer feel the need to look for danger and the freedom to release the fear as i am held by You makes me giddy with laughter. my arms wrap around Your neck and my legs claim Your waist. i feel the length of You against me and the strength of Your body, You bite my chin and neck and i arch into You. And i close my eyes.

Without any effort You remind me of Your claim and tears glisten at the corner of my eyes as desire and completeness wrap and hold us in this embrace. Where once i would have pulled away i now press even closer and give all to You. my love, my need, my want and my trust. i bare my wrists and offer everything. Smiling, i close my eyes.